Every variable of us, p.1
Every Variable of Us, page 1
Author’s Note
with content and trigger warnings
Like all art, Every Variable of Us is unique, and its themes can be at times misconstrued. So I thought I’d add a little note to set the record straight from the jump.
I grew up in Philadelphia, living in neighborhoods from West Philly to Mount Airy. I love everything about Philly (well, not so much driving on 76, but no one’s perfect): from its rich history, to world-renowned food (you want a goated cheesesteak? Hit up Jim’s or Dalessandro’s!), to all the amazing Black people and businesses it has produced (Questlove and Uncle Bobbie’s, I’m looking at y’all), to the stunning murals that adorn the sides of abandoned houses, reminding us how beautiful and talented we are as Black people. But much like every major city, there are many neighborhoods and blocks that got the short end of the stick when it comes to the distribution of wealth that has for too long plagued Black neighborhoods across America. The seeds of systemic racism have been planted in the soil of these blocks. In Hargrove, I do my best to depict such a neighborhood. Hargrove is a fictional neighborhood in West Philadelphia. It’s a sometimes-exaggerated amalgamation of the neighborhoods that my friends and I grew up on. I bring this to your attention, dear reader, because not every block in the hood is filled with violence and drugs. In fact, many are filled with love and Black beauty. I wrote this book based on my experiences as a young Black, queer kid raised by a single mom, who on some nights would have to apologize to three starving children because she couldn’t afford to put food in our bellies. Many Black kids in these neighborhoods will relate all too well to this feeling. And it pains my heart that they do. All my life, I was told I had to be one thing to get a taste of that wealth—an athlete. And more so, I was told I couldn’t be queer to get it. My hope is that this book will show that Black kids in any neighborhood, of any sexuality and gender, have the aptitude to be and do anything!
While it does not have a major presence in the book, I also do my best to champion the autistic community. Unlike the Black community, which I am part of, I do not belong to the autistic community, nor do I claim to be an expert on the subject. The autism spectrum is not linear. Every autistic person has their own space on the autism spectrum. If you are part of this community, you may or may not see parts of your space represented in Matthew. Being that this is not Matthew’s story, I do not go into much detail on how it feels to have to navigate the world in someone like Matthew’s shoes. And for this, I apologize, because you are beautiful and every facet of your story deserves to be told. But it is not my place to tell such a story. For more information on autism, and books that deal specifically with an autistic protagonist, please visit www.autism-society.org.
Now, without further ado, I present to you my heart and soul—Every Variable of Us.
Chapter 1
I’ve never been one for all the girly shit. You know, lip gloss, extensions, jeans so tight they make your ass look like Nicki Minaj’s. I put my hair in a ponytail, throw on some sweats, lace up my ball sneaks, and I’m good to go. Not to mention, all that primping just to impress the guys— nah, I’m good.
So why did I even agree to hit up the corner store with Britt today, knowing damn well she’s a klepto with the fashion sense of a broke Kardashian? Because I’m an idiot and really wanted a Kit Kat to eat after our first game. Processed sugar is the perfect postgame snack—win or lose. Also Britt fed me some bullshit line about wanting to meet the new owners. But what she really meant was: “New ownership! Ooh, I know, let’s rob the place!”
Britt nudges me with her pointy-ass elbows and looks over her shoulder to make sure no one’s watching. Two Black girls in a corner store, one of them wearing a hoodie—oh, they’re watching.
“Here, slip this in your hoodie,” she whispers.
Told ya. She’s about that klepto life.
I look around the store. The aisles are empty, other than a Muslim girl—this isn’t racist because (A) she’s dressed in traditional Muslim garb under her blue Super Mart apron, and (B) I’m pretty sure she’s the owner’s daughter, who I’m certain is Muslim because everyone on the block was talking about the Muslim family that bought the Super Mart. People don’t buy businesses in the hood, especially in Hargrove Projects, and go unnoticed. The girl’s restocking the milk, while the guy behind the register (probably her father) is breaking his neck to keep an eye on us. In his defense, we do look suspicious as fuck. There has to be a joke in there: Two Black girls walk into a corner store . . .
Anyway, I used to think stealing things we can’t afford was cool (yes, Kit Kats are on that list). We were Robin Hoods balancing the injustice of poverty-stricken households everywhere. Now we’re more like shitty martyrs, just playing into the stereotype that every Black kid in the hood is constantly banging Kendrick Lamar and on the prowl to jack someone’s shit.
“Fuck you. You steal it,” I whisper back. “I’m not trying to get kicked off the team because you need a new weave to impress Jordan. He’s corny, anyways. And his jump shot’s all kinds of broke. Dude’s got no range.”
“I can’t,” she retorts, moving in closer to hide from Muslim Girl, who’s moved on to stocking ramen. “I already got three tubes of lip gloss, a bag of Hot Cheetos, and a frozen pizza under here.”
Ah, a frozen pizza. I was wondering how her stomach suddenly became so flat. Britt’s never done a sit-up in her life. Shit, she spends every gym class eye-banging the boys.
“Now do you want to eat tonight or not?”
I shrug. “I mean, yeah.”
“A’ight then. So stop bitching and take it.”
She tries to shove it up my hoodie.
“Chill,” I say, swatting the weave away like I’m Joel Embiid. We start slap fighting in the aisle because, you know, that’s not making things worse. I do want to eat, though. Especially since Mom doesn’t actually buy food with our food stamps.
The bell above the entrance chimes, and in walks a fat-ass white cop, who makes his way to—and I’m not making this up—the donuts and coffee.
Well, now we’re officially fucked.
Muslim Girl (I really have to come up with a better and more woke name for her) looks up, daring us to try something with the cop here. She clearly doesn’t know who she’s grilling. Cops don’t scare us.
Officer Tubs—as he henceforth shall be named—starts chatting up the owner while running a train on a bear claw.
“Okay, damn. Just chill before you get us caught,” I say out of the side of my mouth. “Ol’ girl over there keeps grilling us.”
“If you had any sense you’d jack one for yourself. Because your hair stay nappy.”
I suck my teeth. “Whatever,” I dismiss. “I know you’re not talking; hair looking like The Weeknd. Just give me the damn thing.”
I stuff the weave under my hoodie. (Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds.)
We nonchalantly stroll to the front of the store as though we’re unimpressed by the selection and are looking to take our business elsewhere. As we pass the Muslim girl, she looks up at me with these big, soft brown, judgmental eyes, a sneer of disapproval etched on her face. Her skin’s a half shade darker than mine and she has wavy black hair that runs past her shoulders. The chill from the open freezer sweeps out as she restocks the Hot Pockets. I can tell she knows. So I mean-mug her hard, imploring her to mind her own damn business.
We’re almost home free. No going hungry tonight with nappy heads. But then the girl grows a pair and says something in Arabic—or what I assume to be Arabic (clearly I have no clue what Muslims speak)—to her dad.
“Hey, you!” the man reprimands. He points at Britt as if picking her out of a lineup. “What do you have under your shirt?”
Britt cups her hand to her ear. “Huh?” she patronizes, trying to buy us some time. “Speak English. You’re in America now.”
I have no excuse for Britt. That was mad racist.
Officer Tubs puts down his second bear claw. “Lift up your shirt. And do it slowly. Keep your hands where I can see ’em.”
Britt’s head snaps back in resentment. “Why, because I’m Black? I ain’t lifting up shit.”
No, I think. Because we’re thieves, that’s why.
Tubs grips the handle of his sidearm. “Just do it and shut up.”
Britt gives me a cool smirk.
I dread what’s coming next. It involves being a cliché, and it’s the reason our friend Nassir got shot last year.
Why did I come here with her? No Kit Kat is worth this.
Britt’s not as fast as me and needs to lose some of the added weight, so she opens the bottom of her shirt and lets everything except the pizza fall out. As the last piece of contraband hits the floor, Britt and I book it through the front door. The bell jingles and slams against the door behind us.
Tubs pulls out his gun, but fumbles it to the floor, giving us an even larger head start. Thank baby Jesus he was going ham on that bear claw.
And can I just point some messed-up shit out? Two high school girls stealing a frozen pizza and hair extensions, and this guy feels it’s necessary to draw his weapon. And they wonder why there’s a new hashtag against the police every week.
By the time Tubs retrieves his gun from the floor, I’m well in front. I actually turn and start running backward just to mock him. I know, how mature of me, right? Then again, I am in the midst of stealing horse hai r, so I don’t think anyone was thinking of using the word “mature” to describe us.
What Tubs doesn’t realize is I can do this all day. I’ve been running my whole life, whether it’s from the opposing team’s point guard or one of the many gunshots that go off on my block every hour like church bells. No matter what—I run. And I’m hella fast. If you don’t believe me, Google me—Alexis Duncan, senior, All-State point guard three years running.
I whip around in one smooth motion and start running forward again. Now’s not the time to fuck around. And if he does decide to pop off, I’ll be well out of range.
I glance back to assess the situation. I see Britt, who’s keeping pace, and the blurred mirage that is Tubs way off in the distance. Damn, he’s slow as fuck. You’d think they’d require some level of fitness to become a cop. I guess the only requirement is hating Black people.
“Plan D!” I shout back to Britt, using the commanding voice I call out plays with.
Two things you should know: (1) D stands for Devon’s apartment building, and (2) we’ve had to ditch the cops so many times that we have devised a playbook for each scenario. That’s not a brag. It’s the sad truth. Coach always says, “Preparation is the first step to success.”
I hang a left at the corner and duck down the alley behind the Chinese restaurant, only a block away from Devon’s. I almost bust my ass tripping over Moe—one of the local homeless guys who makes his home in the alley—but my reflexes are Black Panther fast and I dodge him.
“My bad, Moe!” I shout back to him. “Cop’s on my ass!”
He looks up from his crusty sleeping bag and shakes his head in disapproval.
I shrug like, What do you want from me? A girl’s gotta eat.
And even if I did bust my ass it wouldn’t matter, because I’m basically lapping Tubs at this point.
Once I’m back on the street I weave around some people on the sidewalk and then Rock in Fast and Furious slide over the hood of a parked Mazda.
You’d think with such a lead I’d dip into a McDonald’s bathroom or something and hide out until the danger passes. But that would be the smart and not fun thing to do. Plus, I want Tubs to suffer for pulling out his gun on us. It’ll serve him right if he catches a heart attack chasing us.
I see Devon’s drug-infested building.
A horn rings out. My life/basketball career flashes before my eyes as a Jeep nearly clips me. I take a second to thank Jesus, and then I’m back to running.
I’m nearly across the street when pop! pop! echoes through the air. Two gunshots. I don’t flinch. But then I remember Britt’s slow ass and turn mid-stride to make sure it wasn’t Tubs firing at her. Next thing I know, a guy the size of Shaq on a bicycle smacks into me. I hit the pavement. Or rather the pavement Ali uppercuts me, because the back of my head slams against the gravel. Seconds later, I’m laid out like Sonny Liston.
And can I just say: What grown-ass man rides a bike?!
Then it all goes black.
I think I only blacked out for a few minutes, because when I come to, Officer Tubs still hasn’t caught up. Maybe he had that heart attack a few blocks back. Or maybe that shot was for Britt. God, I hope she’s okay. Thinking about Britt being turned into a hashtag has me starting to panic, so I get up off the pavement and haul ass to Devon’s.
When I get there, I learn that Britt never showed. I shoot her a text:
Me: Where u at?
Britt: Went to school instead
(Words I never thought I’d see by her name.)
So not only did she leave me to get booked, but now I’m mad late to school.
Just another morning in West Philly.
I get to school just before Mr. Jones’s English class, where I’m currently getting a sweet C-. Just the way I like it; enough to remain eligible.
Since it’s already second period I don’t have to walk through the metal detectors. James, the head security guard, tells me to move my ass and get to class.
Britt and Krystal-with-a-K are sitting in the back and start cackling like super villains when they see me walk in. Yeah, it’s freakin’ hilarious that I could’ve became some woman named Big Brenda’s prison bitch. Laugh it up.
I can’t even with them right now.
I walk to my seat next to them and don’t say shit.
Britt flips her fake-ass hair and leans forward. “They give you time off for good behavior?”
Oh, they got jokes.
Krystal chimes in with, “You see my cousin Shauna in there? She still owes me a dub.”
“See, y’all look stupid because I didn’t even get booked,” I dismiss, keeping my attention on the whiteboard.
Mr. Jones writes some grammar, vocab, synonyms—I don’t know, some English shit—on the board. (This frustration brought to you by English and my sweet C-.) As long as I understand seventy percent of it, I’ll be all right. Not that anyone cares. Another perk of being on your own is no one gives a shit what you do with your life.
The bell rings.
Britt sucks her teeth. Yeah, like I’m the one who decided to rob a convenience store, then leave my friend to take the rap. “If you weren’t being a little bitch and took the weave in the first place, we’d have been out before that ISIS chick could snitch.”
“Wow. I don’t know what’s worse. You being mad racist, or you missing the whole point that I didn’t want to jack that nasty-ass weave in the first place. You almost got us shot. And for what, a frozen pizza?”
Britt laughs it off. “Girl, ain’t no one getting shot. And you don’t have to eat the pizza. I’m tryin’ to help you out. Go hungry tonight. See if I give a fuck.”
She’s not about to play me like I’m stupid. “I heard the shots.”
“That was some BM, Crew beef. I wish a bitch-ass cop would shoot at me. I’d shove that donut right up his ass.”
I nearly shake my head off my body in frustration. “If you weren’t getting shot at, then why the hell did you leave me there and not meet up at Devon’s?”
“You were out cold. There wasn’t shit I could do. And I wasn’t about to get booked because your dumb ass can’t watch where you’re going. Your mama never taught you to look both ways before crossing the street?”
This is the shit I have to deal with.
I shake my head and go back to trying to decipher Mr. Jones’s whiteboard. He might as well be writing in hieroglyphics.
“Aw,” Britt says, extra patronizing. “You mad.” She pats the top of my head like I’m a dog. I hate when she does that. Just because she’s nineteen (she was held back twice, one shy of a hat trick), is taller than me, and was the first kid Marcus fostered, she thinks she can treat me like a bitch.
I knock her hand away. “For real. Cool it with that shit.” As an afterthought I add, “And I’m done stealing. I’m trying to get this scholarship. I can’t afford to get booked. If I have to go hungry, then I’ll go hungry. Won’t be the first time.”
She grips my arm. (I’d like to take this time to point out that Mr. Jones is still writing nonsense on the board. Like, a little help here, playa.) Because I’m light skin, people think I’m soft. And that’s one thing you can’t be in our hood. It’s not my fault my skin’s more Beyoncé and less Kerry Washington. “You don’t have an option. Next time I tell you to put something under your shirt, I mean that shit.”
She releases my hand and it falls back to my side, limp.
Krystal, with her hoop earrings and gaudy name necklace, gives a definitive “Mhm.” She lives on the block, but not in the foster home. She likes to act tough, but her parents don’t play that. Her pop is a minister and her mom is a nurse. When she’s not around Britt, her attitude changes real quick.
Mr. Jones turns and finally begins class. I never thought I’d be so happy to continue my academic quest to do just enough to get by.
The board looks like a crossword puzzle with all of the English terms.
“All right,” says Mr. Jones, taking a seat so we can see the whiteboard. “Take out your copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and pass up your assignments. I expect some well-written insights on the final chapters.”
